Dreaming of Christina

young-christina.jpg“We are such stuff As Dreams are made on” ~ William Shakespeare

Yesterday was the third anniversary of my mother’s passing. I remember the first anniversary of her death as a bittersweet celebration of her life, in which I sheltered like a hermit crab. The second year passed on a swell of faith and joy.  But now the third year had ushered in a cold loneliness and the guilt of fading Grief.

Grief returned near the end of the second show of the day. I was standing on stage and looking up into the light when I realised that I couldn’t sing. I needed a sign that she was still with me in spirit. Not a sign born of self-delusion, but one that would bring me close to her again.

I phoned my ex-wife Liz in the break between the shows. Liz immediately told me that she had been sorting out her VHS cassette collection that afternoon, when she discovered a tape she had neglected to label. She put it on – to discover it was a tape of my mother I had left the last time Christina and I visited her.                

“She looked so strong and healthy” said Liz.                                          

I felt so much better, but I was unprepared for the second sign.           I awoke suddenly at around three in the morning, in the middle of a vivid dream…

We were sitting in the back of a large limousine and speeding along a highway that rose and fell as if we were riding on a roller coaster, a ‘big dipper’ as she used to call them. Christina sat with me to my right and as I looked across at her and beyond, I could see a beautiful blue sky above the ocean and  the sunlight sparkling like stars around her head.                                                                                                                                                                                

“This is where I live” I said.                                                              

When we arrived at my home, which I did not recognise, I made her comfortable in a big house. But I knew that she would soon leave.  Then I heard an urgent voice: “She’s going to die.”

I rushed to Christina’s bedside and cupped her head in my hands. Around me were women all weeping for my mother.  I knew I could help her live and gradually I felt her heartbeat flutter and then begin to grow and travel up my arms until it became mine. Her eyes opened and they were beautiful. I could feel the joy all around me as I held all of her inexplicably in my hands. Then her gaze looked upward, and so I lifted her…

…until I was alone in the grey dawn above the granite city.

After breakfast I decided to have one last stroll through Aberdeen, before catching my flight home to Coventry. Maybe it was the sudden change in the weather that made me turn into the bookshop or maybe it was a gentle nudge, but I found myself reaching for a book that attracted me and looking at the preface.

“What if you slept, and what if in your sleep you dreamed, and what if in your dream you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower, and what if when you awoke you had the flower in your hand?  Ah, what then?” ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It was the third joy.


~ by soulmerlin on June 1, 2008.

11 Responses to “Dreaming of Christina”

  1. So powerful, that I am speechless right this minute. Thank you for sharing. How beautiful.

  2. What a lovely moment when you read those words, a really lovely post.

  3. Hi soulMerlin,
    What a beautiful post, thank you for sharing that with us. I know now we all have those bittersweet moments with our mothers, weather they come sooner or later. I am still waiting for my mom to come to me in my dreams. That was the last thing I said to her. I will see you in my dreams Mom. When she is ready she will come to me. I look foward to having that dream. I am glad you did. It said to me that your mom was thankful for the way you took care of her, for example putting her in a comfy bed.
    God bless and take care,

  4. Hi dear henry, this is so beautiful. Your writing is excellent. It always leaves me feeling like I am there watching whatever you are telling. The depth of heart and emotion here is really good to see and experience. I loved many lines here but these 2 just grabbed me, left me stunned:

    “…gradually I felt her heartbeat flutter and then begin to grow and travel up my arms until it became mine. ….I held all of her inexplicably in my hands.”

    What powerful, powerful words and feelings. Phew! You excel!

  5. Henry, what a beautiful post indeed and I think your mother would love it. It also made me want to hug you which is a bit difficult 12,000 miles away!! Of course your mother is with you in spirit and you felt it and she sent you messages. She was a gorgeous woman from the photo and you were obviously very close. How lucky you were to have that kind of relationship and its one you will treasure forever. Our spirit never dies. You have gone to a clairvoyant I seem to recall – I have too and it just fills me with enormous comfort being able to communicate with those we love. We are not separated forever. The pain of separation releases its grip over time and for some rason that leaves guilt but the memories are still there and will come to the fore each and every day in many and varied ways. Its how it should be to allow us to get on with our own journeys. I am glad you had your ‘three joys’ on this day of mixed emotions. Take Care, Lilly
    PS How is Scotland at this time of year, Edinburgh was my old home town for a while there.

  6. Hi SoulMerlin,
    I just visited this blog of yours. Your mother was so beautiful. I am glad that you reached out for a sign. It is amazing that they know when you need that sign the most. I have gotten one sign so far, through a dream of my Aunts, her sister. I have not yet asked her directly. I guess I am not ready. It has only been a couple of months. Thank you for sharing
    this story with all of us. Very beautifully written.

  7. I loved this post…and thank you πŸ™‚
    I keep meaning to write down some very momentous events the year after losing my bruv. After lots of dialogue to the sky talking to him, my life changed beyond recognition for the better and in a very short period of time.
    I doubt I will articulate it so well….but I really must write it down at least…together with some rather wonderful card readings of the time. Oddly enough I kept getting “The Fool” over and over….
    Anyway, you made me cry but I forgive you πŸ˜‰ Your writing is beautiful.

  8. As I read this my eyes welled with tears and a lump rose in my thorat. I lost my dad 5 years ago and we were very close. You are such a wonderful writer and a truly beautiful person. Thank your for honoring us with the opportunity to share this tribute to your mom.

  9. Hi Henry,
    I just realized I posted twice on here, I must have forgotten I did once, but what they hay. I wanted to let you know I did have a dream about my mom. It was the most beautiful one I think I have ever had. I blogged about it on my site. Maybe by reading about your experience I was open to finally having the dream. Thanks you so much for your beautiful writings. You are truly gifted. Oh and about Wordless Wednsedays? I saw it on some other blogs, thought it was the in thing, but I should know better than to follow, only lead!
    Take Care,
    Janet πŸ™‚

  10. Soul Merlin, I love this post of yours so much I had to add it to my Monday Writers of the Web post. You had such a vivid dream, that gave you such a feeling of peace, I’m envious. I’m so glad that you found your third joy, and received such a comforting message from your Mother.

  11. In a month it will be four years since I lost my beloved Mother. I know just how you feel! Hugs!

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